Assignment and emoness

These few weeks I really feels like shit. Everytime I woke up I always feel I don't want to go to College. But in the end I always go though. I'm afraid I will fail. I feel so frustrated, but my sense of responsibility just won't let me give up after I go this far. I really can bear telling my mom that I fail. So I push myself to go forward, even though it's very very slow. I feel my design this term sucks. And worse, I don't feel like I want to upgrade it. I just want to pass this term. I just feel sick of it already.

But I don't think I will quitting design. No, I still love design. It's just that I get sick of it already this term. I just need a break. A nice short break will enough. I really really feel I want to scream, angry and cry. But I just feel too tired to do it. Usually my escape only in my sleep, but even now my assignment keep haunting my dream =.=

I become easily pissed off. I feel so bitchy. Even though I still can hold it for a moment, I feel lately I just can't hold it anymore. I feel so annoyed easily, and I think my easily annoyed self is annoying. I think myself as an annoying girl. I try to control it, but really, lack of sleep just won't help it. Sometimes I think I'm too harsh and insensitive, but I just too tired to care anymore. I really am trying to be quiet more and more these days, just to avoid any insensitiveness in me, but lately I also can't help it. I feel sorry, but sometimes I think I'm not wrong to be angry or annoyed. All of us are not kids anymore. Sure we can think and act maturely. I really can't handle people sometimes, maybe that's because I lack of social skill, or my OCD thingy. Ah, whatever.

My other problems lately is it's hard put myself in other people's shoes. So sometimes I just can't take some actions that I think improper for me, while for others it might be just normal. I try not to show it though, since I know I'm the only one that can't take it. Sometimes I ended up understand about it and can take it, but sometimes I really can imagine if me doing that. It's just... WHY??? How could you??? But yeah, must understand about differences =.= Not all people as weird as me LOL. Sometimes OCD makes you one of a kind, everything must be proper. Until now I still think that when I put a stuff on top of something, the distance between the right edge and left edge must be the same and mixed rice is NOT a food! How could you mix this and that??? The taste must be weird and how could you put something with a taste on top of something else with different taste??? Some more the food will not warm and it's not fresh anymore because it was cooked far before you order it. Weird. Or it's just me that is weird. I know it's me LOL.

Yea, so the conclusion is I feel so emo lately, even though I hate myself in emo mode. I listen to emo songs, my thoughts are emo, even my blog post become emo post =.=

Rendezvous

I read again the book that you guys give me in my 18th birthday. That's the best gift I ever had.
Amazing how we can form such a solid friendship. The most beautiful time in my life.




It's sad how we only meet one another ONCE after we apart. Why our holiday must be different?
I terribly miss you guys. It's so different now. We always proud of our independence. But after we apart now, I think it's not as easy as I thought when we separated. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' up Tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I wish I could always be I am that you guys know.
After I meet you guys I change a lot , and I like those changes.
Now I also change a lot, but I hate it. How could I change this much?
I know Cindy will told me to not cling to the past, just like she always say, but I really can't help it.

I miss you guys. LOTS.

Monday, 24 July 2006 at 09:47 AM
I miss you guys.
Even though you all so weird
Even though you all often insult my 'interest'
Even though it's hard for you guys to choose place to eat
Even though your mood swings often scares me
Even though you all like to make unplanned 'trip'
Even though you guys likes to wake me up too early
Even though you all never have any money LOL
Even though you all such a childish bunch
Even though you all often do embrassing stuffs

22-07-2006
I miss my friends soooo much! T____T
They've already gone from Jambi T____T
Steven went to Singapore July 16, Cou2 went to Jakarta July 17, and Cindy goes to Bandung tonight T______T
Only me, Nesia, and Wendy left here.

We doubt we can meet again because we go to different campuses and different city even country! I really miss our time together T____T
But what can I do? T___T

I know I sounds so emo. I know. Just let me drown in old memories for a while. I'll be okay soon. I just miss them terribly.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

It's official. I'm in love with The Scientist - Coldplay's song. I really am such a sucker for sad love song. When Chen told me that Moulin Rouge will end up with sad ending, I know I will cry if I watch the movie LOL. I really can't help it, I can't defend myself from sad love story :p

Today in Digital Media class we got a shocking news, our deadline is due to next week =.=;; Really makes me stress, but I'm trying to be calm anyway. Another emotional burst is not needed in this kind of situation =.=; Must certain that I can finish my work! Go me!
But I really feel the need to scream though. Ah, whatever.

Dunno why when I go to toilet I suddenly remember on my OCD tendency. Even though now my OCD tendency is not as bad as before, I still have some OCD that I can't control, and I don't think I want to control them cause I feed it's not needed. I still can live with it anyway. Until now I still can't feel comfortable to eat in mamak stall, even though in relatively nice place like Chola. I don't know why, not that I feel myself so high class or what (I like mamak's food, ok!) but I always concerned about the hygiene of utensils there. I always really concerned about anything that would go inside my body and hands. I can't eat if the spoon and fork not match. I can't eat if the spoon or fork looks not clean enough (here I mean not shiny enough). I can't eat if my surrounding is not clean. I can't eat if the colors of my food is not convincing enough. I can't eat if my food not warm anymore. I can't eat if I'm not sure my hands are clean. I will always wash my hands anytime I got the chance. I hate to touch stuff in public area (stairs handle, train handle, etc).

Actually my OCD syndrom was worse when I was younger. I'm a really time-based person. If I said I will take a shower at 3pm and plan to finish at 3.15 that I really must finish in 3.15, NOT 3.16. I will really get frustated if I can't fulfill those stupid "requirements". Watch was my must stuff that I wear. I'll refer what I do to time. Everything must exactly 5 minutes or 30 minutes, or anything you multiply by 5 minutes. Even until now I will really feel so upset if I'm late for anything. When I climb stairs, it must started with my right feet on the first stairs. I even have tiles that I must step on when I'm in my house in Indonesia. It just feels not right if I step on other tiles, not the tiles that I must step on. I also can't step in between tiles, I must step ON the tiles, not in between tiles. I even sorted all my stuff according to colors and size. In some point I even can't sleep if I know one of my stuff i not in place where it must be. I must wear certain clothes with certain accessory. When I draw lines I will really checked if it's really really straight or not. Wah, it was really tormenting me. But now I can get over it, even though sometimes I still feel the urge to revive those OCD syndrom.

Ok, now I want to sleep for a while, later will playing RO again~

Excuse to not do my Digital Media Assignment

Yeah, writing this entry is my excuse to not do my Digital Media Assignment :p
Ahhh I really dunno why I'm so lazy to do my assignment. I like the part when we do scripting in class, but when it comes to my project, I don't feel to do it at all. But I know I must finish it eventually though =.=

Btw, lately I'm falling in love with Coldplay's songs, The Scientist and Yellow. I think I'm not romantic, but when it comes to lyrics I love romantic ones xD But I don't like shitty lyrics that shout love all over it though. I prefer the one that can convey love without saying the word 'love' at all, it's just too damn sweet for me :) When I read the lyrics of Yellow and The Scientist, I go like "awwww" xD it's amazing how I can really fell the love in those lyrics, even though I can't find any words saying 'I love you' there.

These weeks I've been extremely busy. But yeah, actually this whole semester I'm always busy anyway, so it doesn't really make significant changes. Some more Jo told us in class that it will become worse in our 3rd year. Oh well... But I still feel a big excitement for next term because we will learn photography and video editing :) It would be fun~

Today me, Chen, Chris, and Sel talk a lot when we dine in Old Town. We talk about many things, from 'soap opera' relationships to feminism. I always love the moment where I can share my thoughts with my friends. I'm the kind of person that prefers serious talking between few people rather that nonsense talking with crowds, even though I also enjoy jesting with my friends :) Yesterday I also have some interesting talk with Chris about many things, then after that have more discussion about religion with Dee, Sel, Fadzil and Chen. It's interesting to know about others point of view. In today's lunch we also have some story sharing, but this one I don't really like it though since they talking about horror stuffs =.= I just hate to discuss about that.

Ah, okay! Now go back to do my assignment! :(

Revival

Dunno why I decided to revive my almost-dead blog again ^^; Actually I've started blogging since in high school, but I keep either stop writing or moving here and there.

My first blog was in pitas, then I move to geocities (where my old blog still there!), friendster blog, livejournal, some private domain, and finally here in blogspot.
So if you type yani, tanyus, aquamarine, AQ, or even the oldest nickname I ever had, sesshou_sama in google you'll got many of result related to me from the era where I love anime and manga, Jmusic, until now the most recent one is Hugo Weaving LOL.

I guess I easily get bored, that's why I cannot keep this blogging habit. But I really like to read other people's blog though. It's interesting to read blogs, like reading book but with unpredicted ending. Afterall what written there are comes from real life. Sometimes if I read a blog from people that I know, it's also interesting because I get to know something where I also there but I got to see it from different perspective.

I think that's all for my revival post :p Now I must rushed my typo assignment >_<

Ha! 8D

Just back from Sunway Pyramid, wanted to buy some clothes and stuffs, but end up with nothing =________=;;;

Suddenly I feel like to do some "research" about myself in internet 8D
I type my name in Google search engine, and surprisingly I actually quite "famous" in L'Arc~en~Ciel community LOL. I can find my name credited mostly in L'Arc~en~Ciel BBS or forum. Guess I was so active back then...
About L'Arc, don't know why lately I lost my passion to love them like I did before. Well, I mean I still love them, but not as much as like... 1-2 years ago? Even until now I haven't hear DRINK IT DOWN single at all. Also tetsu that I always think as the cutest creature ever can't make me drool anymore. I don't know why. Since the first time I got my laptop, never I put anybody but him in my desktop. But now, he's been replaced by Sweeney Todd 8D;;; (actually I want Viggo >.<)
Nesia said that she was surprised that I CAN change my desktop wallpaper to anybody but tetsu ^^;;;
Yeah, but seems like tetsu is not my no.1 man anymore. Guess who'll replace him? 8D

Today...

After re-watched The Lord of The Rings again last holiday, I fall in love again with the series. I plan to read the trilogy but of course with the current state of money I am in right now I can't afford the books =.= I must wait until CNY and then buy the books in Indonesia, because they're far cheaper there. I also want to get The Hobbit and The Simarillion, but don't know if I can get them in Jambi.

College start again... still lazy in the first week :p Feels like I still need more holiday~
My result is quite good :)
Design Method I: A-
CGPP: A-
Visual Fundamental I: B+
Digital Media I: B+
Typography: B

Actually I think I won't get A for design method, because my last work is not so good =/ Lucky me still can get A after the not-so-good and late submission.
New term, new hellish schedule, 6 subjects with 7 classes will really kill MM students this term =.= I of all of us can survive~ now in our class only got 8 survivors LOL I hope the number won't decreased next term.
Today talk with Chen, and she said she want to try another style that different from her usual style. I think that's a good idea, maybe I'll give it a try too...