Bye Bye Blackbird

Bye Bye Blackbird

The Beginning

I was chatting with Wendy, complaining about my lack a motivation in doing my studies. Then he give me a very good advice:

Always remember the feeling when you started something.
Human being human, the greatest feeling is when they started something new.

Now I look at my college days with the feeling of a little girl who just discovered crayons :)

Thus the song of the day:

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

I feel so grateful to have friends that always support and encourage me T___T
I'm sorry that lately I complained a lot you guys T____T
I'm sorry for being such a brat T____T
Thanks for your patience T_____T
Thanks for not-so-spoiling me T_____T
Thanks for always keep me sane T____T
Thanks for being my friends for the longest time T______T
I love you guys! :)

Sometimes

Sometimes I just can't find the right person to talk to.

Things I've Learned Lately

I slowly lost my passion in design. When I look back at my old sketch book and my new one, I can feel how I slowly lost it. Design is not something I really enjoy anymore. Design is something that I must do, just to finish and done with it. It's just like a routine. I feel so sad when I realized it, because designing used to be my dream job, it used to be something that I really enjoy and love. Now, I can't even have any confidence in it. I started asking myself if it's really what I want. I'm so jealous of my friends who really know what they want to do. I don't know. I really don't know which direction I'm going. I just feel that I don't mind doing the work, but that's not my passion. Not something that I really really love.

After I attend KL Design Week, it feels even more clearer. I feel quite inspired, but I also feel extremely jealous with the designers that really in love with what they do. I want to get back my passion. That's the reason why I decided to continue my study. I think if I directly work after I graduated, I'll just ended up as a machine without any interest in my work. I think I need more time to learn and gain back my passion. Pray for me~!

Wrong

Nope, I don't care. In fact, I only care about myself.

Dream Dream Dream

I was having very interesting conversation with Steven just now. As we chatted, we realized that we actually have very similar dream that disturbed us, only we have different people and settings inside our dream. Psychologist said that dream is our inner desire, maybe there's something we want to do/ask in real life but we hold ourself? I kind of don't want to admit it, but then I realize better if I just accept it and be done with it. Now I just don't know where I should start.

Btw, song of the day: Mind Trick - Jamie Cullum

Not Amused

I don't Want To Explain

"Never explain--your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you anyway."

--Elbert Hubbard

I don't want to explain myself to you. You can either believe me or not. At least I do something about it.

It Aint Necessarily So - Jamie Cullum

Umm...

I can't sleep. Again. My body clock really messed up la these few days =_=
Somehow my mind keep telling me to blog, so here I am, blogging at 5.25 am.

We're talking about autism in our class this Monday, and somehow it leads to OCD. I think all my classmates already know my OCD-ness. I used to have terrible OCD, but now I can control most of my OCDness. But there's still some of my OCD that I can't and somehow I don't want to stop. It makes me frustated sometimes, but I just can't help it. My mind will keep bugging me about that.

So here's few things that I can't stop entirely:
- Time time time! I'm so strict about time that I set for myself. I'm not upset anymore if I don't meet my own standards, but I still feel the satisfacton everytime I can finish something on time that I set. Still can't help to set time for almost everything that I do.

- Tiles. My worst nemesis ever. Actually not only tiles, but mostly tiles. I never want to step on the spaces between tiles, you know, the lines. If I'm in my house in Jambi it's even worse, since I was kid I've already set which tiles I must step for each room, even which foot I must step on with. Sometime when I was idle I'll unconsciously step on the tiles with some patterns that I set.

- Anything related to food. My spoon and fork must be similar in weight, better if they actually got matching pairs. Can't break up the rice, keep the shape like the original. Food must newly cooked, or at least make me think so. That's why I hate mix rice, they already cook it like many hours ago before I choose the food. But lately I can eat mix rice in chola spice. Definitely improvement. If my food is something rectangular, I'll eat each sides before I eat the center part. Same thing with burger. Oh yea my instant noodles spices, soy sauce, oil, anything must be mixed together until they mix nicely; and the noodles must be shattered to small pieces.

- Computer programs and files. I always make sure when I leave my computer, even though I just go to toilet, I close all programs or at least minimize all programs. I hate seeing lots of tabs in my computer, keep everything as minimum as possible. Files placed in folders, I can't stand seeing stray files in desktop. I ever offer selvia to clean and organize her desktop lol. My bookmarks must have folders too. Can't stand stray bookmarks outside folders.

I think that all I can think for now, quite little compared to before. Oh yea, I also like cornering and centering stuff, but I think that's quite normal though...

The Ugly Duckling

Since I was so young, many people asked me the same question "why you do not look like your mom/sis/dad?". Yea, my mom is very beautiful, my dad is handsome, and my sis are very pretty. I got the point.

I used to be so upset every time anybody asked me that question. I was very insecure and self conscious on how I look like. Usually I just keep quiet every time that question being asked, just run and cry in my room. A guy even said to me "you ignoring me now, but you know that's true!". My secondary teachers also never believe when they know that I'm my sister's sis. They thought it's just a coincidence that we share the same name (well, how many people in the world got the name Tanyus???). So now, I guess you get the point on how not alike we are.

Tired of being compared to my sis, I try my best to even become not alike to them. Just to make people happy that there's someone so not alike in family. Dunno why they're so fascinated and happily comparing us. On how ugly I am, how dark my skin is (compared to my sis!), how tomboy I was, and the list goes on.

I guess studying here giving me good antidote. With nobody that can compare us, I feel free to be myself. I think a lot, feel the difference, and just enjoy it. Now I could just smile and say whatever to anybody who ask that question. Not that I care. Now I realize that I should not feed the troll. I make fool of myself by reacting to those trolls. Why should I care anyway? People who asked that kind of question usually not important for me. They're not my sisters, not my father, not my mother. The most important thing is people who I love do not care on how I look like. They'll still love me anyway. So trolls, feed yourself, cause I won't feed you anymore.

To Mask or To Unmask

Recently I heard a story from friend about the other friend who said that she's wearing mask everyday. Well, ofcourse you know what mask means here, she's pretending. Well, actually I'm not so sure about what she means by pretending here, but it makes me think about some other things.

I can't really blame people for pretending. If that's your choice, why other people need to bother? Do they prefer the 'real' you? Okay, for example there's A, a normal Jane with normal social life, surrounded by many friends. Her friends like her because she's such nice girl. What they don't know that actually she's a super cynical girl whose frank in giving opinion, only she always restrain that act. So she always try to be nice and proper, never say hurtful stuff to other people even though her cynical mind make some remarks about it. What's wrong with that? Do you prefer the cynical girl A, or the nice girl A?

Admit it, most people just want to hear what they want to hear. When you know your friend have figth with his/her girl/boyfriend, and actually you think that their girl/boyfriend is such an ass and not worth his/her affection, would you tell him/her straghtly to just forget about him/her blah blah that you must break up blah blah she/he's such an ass blah blah? Even though that's the truth, I bet 8 out of 10 people won't do that. Why? Because people just want to hear what they want to hear, they want comfort, not the truth. And if you tell the truth, everything will become awkward later. If they really break up, they will eventually blame you because you're the one who trigger it. If they do not break up, they'll think you're a bad influence for their relationship for 'trying' to separate them. Either way you'll still be the bad guy.

How can you blame people for pretending to be nice? Is it better to just show your dislikeness? Some people can control their dislikeness towards other people, so why blame them for controlling it? Not everyone blessed with nice personality like you. Some people just grew up in a f**ked-up environment that shaped their personality into a f**ked-up one too. Not everyone think that world is all about raibows, butterflies and many other pretty things.

So for some people, mask is their essential tools to survive. While other people who never need to wear mask call masked people as a sad hypocrite whose not worthy for many things that they can't enjoy without wearing mask. Is it wrong to pretend to be a nice person? Is it wrong to want to be liked?

Please don't say something like "well, sometime it's needed, but if ME, I'll only so that when it's needed"
Yes, yes, you're right and I can't say that's wrong for all people also do that.
But what I want to say here is "Can you blame people for wearing mask?"
So people... to mask, or to unmask?

Movie Recap

Song of the day, the week, and possibly the month:

I blame Hellboy and Abe for this D:
And I really can't help but to smile everytime I hear this song :)

Btw, lately I watch lots of movies, and all are satisfying for me :)
1. Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Even though the storyline is quite weak, I still really love this movie. Why? I always love fantasy movie, and I think Guillermo Del Toro really win my love when he create such a beautiful fairytale-like world.

I really really love the scene where Prince Nuada come to elven kingdom. Love the setting, love the costume, love the colors, love the creatures, love the fighting scene, and also really love the prince LOL. Somehow long silver-haired man always pwn me. Oh yea, somehow I also really like the princess :)

Another thing that really win my love is the creatures. Visit the official website, there you can see some design and description of the fantasy creatures. Very interesting design and description of the creature :)

So the conclusion is, if the thing that you want to see in a movie is a beautiful visual, watch Hellboy II, but if you want to find strong story, maybe this movie will not so suitable for you :)

Now the problem is, I can't wait for Guillermo to finish directing movie The Hobbit, prequel of The Lord of The Rings! :)

2. The Dark Knight
The long awaited movie! Since the first time I see the trailer, I really can't wait to watch this movie. Great movie, but I think the one that steal the show is not Batman, but Joker.

Agree with what Chen said in her blog, Heath Ledger is the perfect Joker. Psychotic, fearless and frightening, The Dark Knight really become his show. Really love the way he talk, the crazy tone tone that he use really the win.

Too bad that Batman himself do not really give me many impact, the only scene where I like about him is only at the end, where he sacrifice himself so Gotham will not lose their hero.

Also really hate when Harvey Dent become Two Face :( I really like him since the beginning, so this changes really disappoint me. Actually it won't be so disappointing if only he didn't die that soon. If only his changes will saved until the next movie where he'll become the next super villain, I don't think I'll be as disappoint as this though.

But overall, nice movie, Heath Ledger really won't disappoint you :)

3. Red Cliff
An unexpectedly great movie for me. At first I'm not so excited about this movie, but since they got lots of good review, I think I'll just give it a go. And what? I watch this movie 2 times already :P

A very nice movie, I think it possibly the best Asian movie I watch so far.

Very interesting story, afterall it based in The Romance of Three Kingdom :)
I really love the story, and the visual also pleasing to eyes.
Somehow I just don't know what to say about this movie, all I can say is: WATCH IT!
You won't be disappointed :)

Now I gonna continue play games :) Got a very interesting game, will review it later I think :)

Gone emoness, gone!

Finally I overcome my emoness, wohoo! Finally I got the answer that I keep asking to myself. When I finally got the answer, I realize how I can really blur and clueless about myself =_=;; A simple answer actually, but take almost the whole term for me to get the answer! Blur Tan! So I think this term really serves me right, I deserve all of this. Now I already awaken, and so here's the new Tan~! Sorry and thanks to all my friend who become the victim of my abuse and rant LOL.

So here's the song of the day!



Oh yea, I also took some kind of astrological test here. I must say the result is quite... interesting ^^; Because the result actually is a very looooooooongggggg paragraph, so I'll just put some of the quote here :P

Rising Sign is in 12 Degrees Leo
You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!

Somehow the imaginary of Tony Stark comes to mind when I read this.

Sun is in 18 Degrees Taurus.
Affectionate, even-tempered and slow to anger -- when you do become emotionally upset, you are also slow to forgive and time must pass before your calm returns. You demand real results from any situation -- abstractions are very difficult for you to comprehend. Very artistic, your hands love to mold and shape things.

So people, don't make me angry! And maybe you can give me paper clay set for my birthday :P

Moon is in 20 Degrees Aquarius.
Very freedom-oriented, you must always be able to do what you wish, no matter what. You become stubborn and recalcitrant when others try to force you into a mold. You are a true democrat -- you are not a follower, but you enjoy being with those who are like-minded. You appreciate emotional self-control -- you practice it yourself and you look for it in others. You solve problems, including emotional ones, with your brains and intellect, not your feelings.

Must agree about the stubbornness~

Mercury is in 07 Degrees Gemini.
Your mind is active, quick and agile. You are very restless and you get bored easily. You are probably a good student because of your natural inquisitiveness. You also love to travel. Your learning tends to be superficial, though, because you have a relatively short attention span. Try to develop the mental discipline to finish what you start.

See? I'm a good student! My lecturers must have love me :P And yes, I love to travel, but I hate the progress to arrive in my travel destination =_=" Blame my land-sick, sea-sick, and air-sickness. I really wish somebody will just invent a teleport machine.

Mars is in 21 Degrees Aquarius.
Your ideas and opinions are usually inventive and original, but sometimes they are merely eccentric and offbeat. You are altruistic -- you will work hard for the attainment of group goals, as long as they meet your high standards. You tend to resent traditional authority figures because you think that your ideas are better thought out and more valuable than theirs. Very idealistic, you are a rebel WITH a cause!

Like what Chris ever said, rebel with a cause! :P She must be proud of me lol.

Saturn is in 01 Degrees Capricorn.
Very serious-minded and mature, you have the ability to take on responsibilities and to carry out important duties. You can also be trusted to be extremely practical and thrifty. A good organizer, you are the ideal one to be counted on to take a clearly defined project through to its logical conclusion. An achiever, you pride yourself on your ability to focus your attention totally on some worthy goal and then attain it.

Now I can't say no if anybody say that I'm a control freak...

N. Node is in 21 Degrees Pisces.
You seem to go out of your way to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations -- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your life work much, much smoother!

Now it's something I must be careful about... O_o
So people, what about you? :P

Woew, it's been a long time since I have this kind of looooooooong entry!
OK, so that's it! Must do my assignment now T.T

Moving On

Somehow, when I need an honest opinion, I know I'll always be able to ask you. It amazed me on how you actually understand me more than I thought you do. I used to think of you as my younger brother, but now you've grown, while I still stuck here. I used to think I've already moving on, but as we talk, I realized that actually I'm still in the same position. Maybe I've face different sides of the road, but I'm still on the same spot. Like what you said, when experience beats the current situation, I'll held back and unconsciously repeating the same pattern as before. I've screwed the situation last year, and I foresee it'll happen again in near future if I do not change the way I think and how I will resolve the problem. Well, like what you said again, the problem is not about me. Actually all are only in my mind, I only need to beat my own thinking, my own prejudice about this. I need to break the wall and face the problem, not runaway like what I always do.

Someday, you have to move on. Faster, better.

I know, I know. Wish me luck.

Life's Goal

tanyus.indrayani: kamu mau jadi apa? -3- (what you want to be?)
earthquake_tool: saya mo jadi arsitek =3= (I want to be an architect)
earthquake_tool: tapi sekarang ini saya blon bisa (but now I can't)
earthquake_tool: rada ribet (a bit complicated)
earthquake_tool: =_=;
earthquake_tool: saya lulus s1 nya natural resoruces conservation soalnya (because I graduated as natural resources conservation)
earthquake_tool: =.=
tanyus.indrayani: hmm
tanyus.indrayani: kenapa ga ambil interior? (why don't you take interior [before]?)
earthquake_tool: saya muda dan bodoh (I was young and foolish)
earthquake_tool: =3=
earthquake_tool: tapi ga nyesel si (but I don't regret this)
earthquake_tool: belajar banyak di jurusan ini (learn a lot here)
tanyus.indrayani: HMM
tanyus.indrayani: hmm
tanyus.indrayani: kalo gitu (then)
earthquake_tool: yg saya ga mungkin pelajarin klo di jurusan laen (things that I not gonna learn in any other faculties)
tanyus.indrayani: kenapa ga lanjutin apa yg udah kamu pelajarin aja? -3- (why don't you just continue the thing you've learned?)
earthquake_tool: karena saya mau jadi arsitek (because I want to be an architect)
earthquake_tool: =3=
earthquake_tool: ini bukan masalah hidup sukses =3= (it's not about success)
earthquake_tool: tapi tujuan hidup~ (but life's goal)
tanyus.indrayani: hmmm

Assignment and emoness

These few weeks I really feels like shit. Everytime I woke up I always feel I don't want to go to College. But in the end I always go though. I'm afraid I will fail. I feel so frustrated, but my sense of responsibility just won't let me give up after I go this far. I really can bear telling my mom that I fail. So I push myself to go forward, even though it's very very slow. I feel my design this term sucks. And worse, I don't feel like I want to upgrade it. I just want to pass this term. I just feel sick of it already.

But I don't think I will quitting design. No, I still love design. It's just that I get sick of it already this term. I just need a break. A nice short break will enough. I really really feel I want to scream, angry and cry. But I just feel too tired to do it. Usually my escape only in my sleep, but even now my assignment keep haunting my dream =.=

I become easily pissed off. I feel so bitchy. Even though I still can hold it for a moment, I feel lately I just can't hold it anymore. I feel so annoyed easily, and I think my easily annoyed self is annoying. I think myself as an annoying girl. I try to control it, but really, lack of sleep just won't help it. Sometimes I think I'm too harsh and insensitive, but I just too tired to care anymore. I really am trying to be quiet more and more these days, just to avoid any insensitiveness in me, but lately I also can't help it. I feel sorry, but sometimes I think I'm not wrong to be angry or annoyed. All of us are not kids anymore. Sure we can think and act maturely. I really can't handle people sometimes, maybe that's because I lack of social skill, or my OCD thingy. Ah, whatever.

My other problems lately is it's hard put myself in other people's shoes. So sometimes I just can't take some actions that I think improper for me, while for others it might be just normal. I try not to show it though, since I know I'm the only one that can't take it. Sometimes I ended up understand about it and can take it, but sometimes I really can imagine if me doing that. It's just... WHY??? How could you??? But yeah, must understand about differences =.= Not all people as weird as me LOL. Sometimes OCD makes you one of a kind, everything must be proper. Until now I still think that when I put a stuff on top of something, the distance between the right edge and left edge must be the same and mixed rice is NOT a food! How could you mix this and that??? The taste must be weird and how could you put something with a taste on top of something else with different taste??? Some more the food will not warm and it's not fresh anymore because it was cooked far before you order it. Weird. Or it's just me that is weird. I know it's me LOL.

Yea, so the conclusion is I feel so emo lately, even though I hate myself in emo mode. I listen to emo songs, my thoughts are emo, even my blog post become emo post =.=

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

It's official. I'm in love with The Scientist - Coldplay's song. I really am such a sucker for sad love song. When Chen told me that Moulin Rouge will end up with sad ending, I know I will cry if I watch the movie LOL. I really can't help it, I can't defend myself from sad love story :p

Today in Digital Media class we got a shocking news, our deadline is due to next week =.=;; Really makes me stress, but I'm trying to be calm anyway. Another emotional burst is not needed in this kind of situation =.=; Must certain that I can finish my work! Go me!
But I really feel the need to scream though. Ah, whatever.

Dunno why when I go to toilet I suddenly remember on my OCD tendency. Even though now my OCD tendency is not as bad as before, I still have some OCD that I can't control, and I don't think I want to control them cause I feed it's not needed. I still can live with it anyway. Until now I still can't feel comfortable to eat in mamak stall, even though in relatively nice place like Chola. I don't know why, not that I feel myself so high class or what (I like mamak's food, ok!) but I always concerned about the hygiene of utensils there. I always really concerned about anything that would go inside my body and hands. I can't eat if the spoon and fork not match. I can't eat if the spoon or fork looks not clean enough (here I mean not shiny enough). I can't eat if my surrounding is not clean. I can't eat if the colors of my food is not convincing enough. I can't eat if my food not warm anymore. I can't eat if I'm not sure my hands are clean. I will always wash my hands anytime I got the chance. I hate to touch stuff in public area (stairs handle, train handle, etc).

Actually my OCD syndrom was worse when I was younger. I'm a really time-based person. If I said I will take a shower at 3pm and plan to finish at 3.15 that I really must finish in 3.15, NOT 3.16. I will really get frustated if I can't fulfill those stupid "requirements". Watch was my must stuff that I wear. I'll refer what I do to time. Everything must exactly 5 minutes or 30 minutes, or anything you multiply by 5 minutes. Even until now I will really feel so upset if I'm late for anything. When I climb stairs, it must started with my right feet on the first stairs. I even have tiles that I must step on when I'm in my house in Indonesia. It just feels not right if I step on other tiles, not the tiles that I must step on. I also can't step in between tiles, I must step ON the tiles, not in between tiles. I even sorted all my stuff according to colors and size. In some point I even can't sleep if I know one of my stuff i not in place where it must be. I must wear certain clothes with certain accessory. When I draw lines I will really checked if it's really really straight or not. Wah, it was really tormenting me. But now I can get over it, even though sometimes I still feel the urge to revive those OCD syndrom.

Ok, now I want to sleep for a while, later will playing RO again~

Excuse to not do my Digital Media Assignment

Yeah, writing this entry is my excuse to not do my Digital Media Assignment :p
Ahhh I really dunno why I'm so lazy to do my assignment. I like the part when we do scripting in class, but when it comes to my project, I don't feel to do it at all. But I know I must finish it eventually though =.=

Btw, lately I'm falling in love with Coldplay's songs, The Scientist and Yellow. I think I'm not romantic, but when it comes to lyrics I love romantic ones xD But I don't like shitty lyrics that shout love all over it though. I prefer the one that can convey love without saying the word 'love' at all, it's just too damn sweet for me :) When I read the lyrics of Yellow and The Scientist, I go like "awwww" xD it's amazing how I can really fell the love in those lyrics, even though I can't find any words saying 'I love you' there.

These weeks I've been extremely busy. But yeah, actually this whole semester I'm always busy anyway, so it doesn't really make significant changes. Some more Jo told us in class that it will become worse in our 3rd year. Oh well... But I still feel a big excitement for next term because we will learn photography and video editing :) It would be fun~

Today me, Chen, Chris, and Sel talk a lot when we dine in Old Town. We talk about many things, from 'soap opera' relationships to feminism. I always love the moment where I can share my thoughts with my friends. I'm the kind of person that prefers serious talking between few people rather that nonsense talking with crowds, even though I also enjoy jesting with my friends :) Yesterday I also have some interesting talk with Chris about many things, then after that have more discussion about religion with Dee, Sel, Fadzil and Chen. It's interesting to know about others point of view. In today's lunch we also have some story sharing, but this one I don't really like it though since they talking about horror stuffs =.= I just hate to discuss about that.

Ah, okay! Now go back to do my assignment! :(

Revival

Dunno why I decided to revive my almost-dead blog again ^^; Actually I've started blogging since in high school, but I keep either stop writing or moving here and there.

My first blog was in pitas, then I move to geocities (where my old blog still there!), friendster blog, livejournal, some private domain, and finally here in blogspot.
So if you type yani, tanyus, aquamarine, AQ, or even the oldest nickname I ever had, sesshou_sama in google you'll got many of result related to me from the era where I love anime and manga, Jmusic, until now the most recent one is Hugo Weaving LOL.

I guess I easily get bored, that's why I cannot keep this blogging habit. But I really like to read other people's blog though. It's interesting to read blogs, like reading book but with unpredicted ending. Afterall what written there are comes from real life. Sometimes if I read a blog from people that I know, it's also interesting because I get to know something where I also there but I got to see it from different perspective.

I think that's all for my revival post :p Now I must rushed my typo assignment >_<