Terrible Week

I don't know how long have I abandoned this blog. I've been so emo lately, thanks to the super difficult visa requirement. Constant call from my sis and mom also not helping. Please stop implying that I didn't do anything to make this easier. I'm sorry if I sounded so annoyed when I pick up the calls, but yelling at me and blaming me for the late visa really makes me sick. It's not my fault if the Uni haven't give me the visa letter, I myself don't want to drag the progress.

Since last week I've tried many ways to settle the problems, but there's always something that prevent me from doing so. I run to 4 offices and 3 banks in Subang, PJ and KL for nothing. The only correct information that I got led me to Wangsa Maju, but I still have problems with my bank statement. I tried to send it as fast as I can and I still can't make it on time. I was so frustrated that I almost cry in the middle of the road. I almost lost hope and think that maybe I'm not supposed to get it, maybe I should just wait until next year. Luckily I'm more stubborn that I myself think. Now, one problem down but I still need to wait until Tuesday to see if the bank in my hometown could help to settle the problem.

Another thing about Uni, my mom tell me to just stay in the dorm since she's so worried about me. Actually at fist me and Chris plan to stay together outside the dorm in a flat, but because my mom still do not agree, I ended up in dorm. Let's hope I still can get a room in the dorm.

Tomorrow I'll go back to Wangsa Maju to take the translation of my certificate then take it to Indonesian embassy to get it legalized. Let's see if fate decided to screw my life again.

Radiohead - Bulletproof... I Wish I Was

Tan is Emo

I think I listen to Radiohead's High & Dry and Fake Plastic Trees too much T_T

So Unmotivated

I don't know what's wrong with me, but seems like every term 2 I will lose my motivation in doing my assignment. Seriously, when I tell myself to do my assignment, the first word that come to me is "UGH!". I don't know what happened, I really really feels sooooooo unmotivated and moody. I also feel that everything is boring. One side of me feel so worried because I slack so much this term, while the other one don't care about anything because it feels like a torture to start working on my assignment. Somebody help me!!!!!!

Foul Mood

Lately I keep having mood swing. Today must be one of the worst. I really really easily irritated by anything. Good thing I still can try not to be angry IN PUBLIC. Even though honestly inside my heart boils. I think today is the day where I swear the most. Yea, even though I didn't speak the words out, it's like a repeating words in my mind. I really hated when somebody try to make me like a stupid dumb bimbo girl that can't do anything by myself. Fine, OBVIOUSLY I can't drive in KL, I don't have any driving experience in big cities, I admit that my driving skills sucks much. But it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid girl just because of that, ok? I really don't know why you really insist that I can't do anything by myself. Do you really need to prove that you're far smarter than me? Do you really need to prove that I'm just a spoiled girl? That I always need anybody to help me to do anything?

I only mad about that one, other things I admit that's just because of my foul mood. I'm sorry to any of my classmates if my foul mood disturb you. I just easily feel irritated today. Somehow I turned into an emo kid who think that everyone just try to pick me. But at least I realized it and don't make it as a big deal. I don't scream and cry mindlessly saying that other people stupid and they're not better than me. I know and I understand that all my anger due to my foul mood. For the rest of the day, I try to not spoke so much. I know with my condition any of my word and the respondent's word can make me in even worse mood. But honestly I think should've deal with my mood better la. Usually it's quite easy for me to just ignore anything that can flame my anger. But seems like lately my patience become thinner and thinner.

Few days ago I talked with Brad and from there I think I already must admit that this term is not my best term. I must say that mostly my work sucks, but I know I deserve that. I think I didn't work hard enough. Because of this realization I promise myself that I'll do my best for web design and video, two last assignment this term. Wish me luck!

So, song of the day to lighten my mood:

LOL. OMG I can't believe that i choose this song.

Update: somehow I feel my mood become lighter after I rant here! =D

Emotion Management

Lately it becomes harder for me to control my emotion. I feel so emo lately~ AAAAA~!!! I know why but I'm still in half denial stage =___= please let me emo-ing for a while peacefully~~!!!

The impact is quite bad though. Makes it hard for me to control my emotion. Now I read a story I cry, watch a movie I also cry, cannot do my assignment also cry, even talk to my friend I also can cry! Alamakjang~! Like today somebody quite piss me off, makes me really want to scream and swear at that person (involve many unwanted words and an erection from a finger). Good that I still have a little bit control left for me, so I just go out and just try to cool my anger. Really need to gain back my control T___T I think I'm a bit control freak la... =_=;;

Oh yeah, about the trip to Melaka, will post it next time. Need to edit my photography assignment first!

Moving On

Somehow, when I need an honest opinion, I know I'll always be able to ask you. It amazed me on how you actually understand me more than I thought you do. I used to think of you as my younger brother, but now you've grown, while I still stuck here. I used to think I've already moving on, but as we talk, I realized that actually I'm still in the same position. Maybe I've face different sides of the road, but I'm still on the same spot. Like what you said, when experience beats the current situation, I'll held back and unconsciously repeating the same pattern as before. I've screwed the situation last year, and I foresee it'll happen again in near future if I do not change the way I think and how I will resolve the problem. Well, like what you said again, the problem is not about me. Actually all are only in my mind, I only need to beat my own thinking, my own prejudice about this. I need to break the wall and face the problem, not runaway like what I always do.

Someday, you have to move on. Faster, better.

I know, I know. Wish me luck.

Thank You

Thank you for listening to me when I'm down.
Thank you for pushing me when I want to stop.
Thank you for being patient with me.
Thank you for all your support.
Thank you for believe in me.
Thank you for being such a good friend.
Thank you. You know who you are.

I Go Nowhere

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be

- Stop and Stare, OneRepublic

Assignment and emoness

These few weeks I really feels like shit. Everytime I woke up I always feel I don't want to go to College. But in the end I always go though. I'm afraid I will fail. I feel so frustrated, but my sense of responsibility just won't let me give up after I go this far. I really can bear telling my mom that I fail. So I push myself to go forward, even though it's very very slow. I feel my design this term sucks. And worse, I don't feel like I want to upgrade it. I just want to pass this term. I just feel sick of it already.

But I don't think I will quitting design. No, I still love design. It's just that I get sick of it already this term. I just need a break. A nice short break will enough. I really really feel I want to scream, angry and cry. But I just feel too tired to do it. Usually my escape only in my sleep, but even now my assignment keep haunting my dream =.=

I become easily pissed off. I feel so bitchy. Even though I still can hold it for a moment, I feel lately I just can't hold it anymore. I feel so annoyed easily, and I think my easily annoyed self is annoying. I think myself as an annoying girl. I try to control it, but really, lack of sleep just won't help it. Sometimes I think I'm too harsh and insensitive, but I just too tired to care anymore. I really am trying to be quiet more and more these days, just to avoid any insensitiveness in me, but lately I also can't help it. I feel sorry, but sometimes I think I'm not wrong to be angry or annoyed. All of us are not kids anymore. Sure we can think and act maturely. I really can't handle people sometimes, maybe that's because I lack of social skill, or my OCD thingy. Ah, whatever.

My other problems lately is it's hard put myself in other people's shoes. So sometimes I just can't take some actions that I think improper for me, while for others it might be just normal. I try not to show it though, since I know I'm the only one that can't take it. Sometimes I ended up understand about it and can take it, but sometimes I really can imagine if me doing that. It's just... WHY??? How could you??? But yeah, must understand about differences =.= Not all people as weird as me LOL. Sometimes OCD makes you one of a kind, everything must be proper. Until now I still think that when I put a stuff on top of something, the distance between the right edge and left edge must be the same and mixed rice is NOT a food! How could you mix this and that??? The taste must be weird and how could you put something with a taste on top of something else with different taste??? Some more the food will not warm and it's not fresh anymore because it was cooked far before you order it. Weird. Or it's just me that is weird. I know it's me LOL.

Yea, so the conclusion is I feel so emo lately, even though I hate myself in emo mode. I listen to emo songs, my thoughts are emo, even my blog post become emo post =.=

Rendezvous

I read again the book that you guys give me in my 18th birthday. That's the best gift I ever had.
Amazing how we can form such a solid friendship. The most beautiful time in my life.




It's sad how we only meet one another ONCE after we apart. Why our holiday must be different?
I terribly miss you guys. It's so different now. We always proud of our independence. But after we apart now, I think it's not as easy as I thought when we separated. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' up Tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I wish I could always be I am that you guys know.
After I meet you guys I change a lot , and I like those changes.
Now I also change a lot, but I hate it. How could I change this much?
I know Cindy will told me to not cling to the past, just like she always say, but I really can't help it.

I miss you guys. LOTS.

Monday, 24 July 2006 at 09:47 AM
I miss you guys.
Even though you all so weird
Even though you all often insult my 'interest'
Even though it's hard for you guys to choose place to eat
Even though your mood swings often scares me
Even though you all like to make unplanned 'trip'
Even though you guys likes to wake me up too early
Even though you all never have any money LOL
Even though you all such a childish bunch
Even though you all often do embrassing stuffs

22-07-2006
I miss my friends soooo much! T____T
They've already gone from Jambi T____T
Steven went to Singapore July 16, Cou2 went to Jakarta July 17, and Cindy goes to Bandung tonight T______T
Only me, Nesia, and Wendy left here.

We doubt we can meet again because we go to different campuses and different city even country! I really miss our time together T____T
But what can I do? T___T

I know I sounds so emo. I know. Just let me drown in old memories for a while. I'll be okay soon. I just miss them terribly.